Welcome_to_Marathon_draft003a.txt
DRAFT
A New Dawn for Humanity
Welcome to [the Marathon Mission]E1 Project: Marathon, a [bold and]E2 visionary endeavor that marks [a new]E3 the next chapter in humanity’s journey [among]E4 to the stars. As you embark on this extraordinary adventure, we invite you to explore the rich history and purpose of the Marathon, a mission that embodies the spirit of exploration [, innovation, and hope]E5 and innovation that fuels our ambitions.
The Genesis of the Marathon:
Initiated by the Unified Earth Space Council (UESC), [the Marathon Mission]E1 Project: Marathon was conceived as a response to [conditions on Earth and Mars]E6 the challenges and opportunities of a rapidly changing world. With [both Earth and Mars]E7 Earth facing environmental and resource constraints, the UESC envisioned a future where humanity could thrive beyond the confines of our [solar system]E7 home planet[, leading to the commissioning of Project: Marathon]E8. Thus, Project: Marathon was born—a vessel of dreams, designed to carry the torch of human ambition to the distant shores of the Tau Ceti [IV]E9 solar system.
A Unified Endeavor:
[The Marathon Mission]E1 Project: Marathon is powered by the collective strength of our partners. Traxus OffWorld Industries, CyberAcme Systems, NuCaloric Agricultural, and more join forces to provide technology, adaptability, and sustainability for our journey. At the helm, Project Mission, Colony, Security, and Science Commands [are prepared to guide every segment of this grand endeavor with confidence and pride]E10 are decorated leaders in their fields and have prepared to deliver coordinated support for all contingencies, aided by the UESC Marathon and colony’s dedicated families of [artificial]E11 support intelligences.
A New Beginning:
[The Marathon Mission]E1 Project: Marathon is more than a journey to a distant star; it is a new beginning for humanity. As we establish a foothold on Tau Ceti IV, we carry with us the hopes and dreams of generations past, and the promise of a brighter future for those yet to come. Together, we will build a thriving [community]E12 community that will grow into a brand new society guided by the principles of cooperation, [sustainability]E13 adaptability, and exploration.
Your Role in the Mission:
As a [new]E14 colonist, you are an integral part of this historic endeavor. Your experience, training, passions, and determination will help shape the future of our colony and ensure the success of [the Marathon Mission]E1 Project: Marathon. We are excited to have you join us on this incredible journey, as we reach for the stars and embrace the limitless possibilities that await.
[Welcome [aboard]E15 to the UESC Marathon.]E16 Together, we will forge a new path for humanity, and create a legacy that will endure for generations to come.
With hope and determination,
[The Marathon Mission Team]E16
DRAFT
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EDIT 1 - Use official project name. Let them feel the weight of it. Also, “mission” is too military. Need to soften language when we can to maintain intended messaging. “Mission” is something given–a task, a chore. “Mission” may imply violence and subservience. “Project” is constructive, collaborative–”we are in this together,” “what I achieve, we achieve.”
EDIT 2 - Redundant. Simplify language.
EDIT 3 - “A new” feels like it is replacing the “chapter” that came before, and it is, but emotionally replacing the past creates tension between the audience and their view of the past and present. We are advancing our story, moving forward. Momentum matters, let’s create some.
EDIT 4 - “Among” is too passive. “To” is active–more the momentum to propel us forward. It’s a small thing, but language matters. The audience may not register how words affect them, but they do. It is our job to ensure we craft the intended effects to drive toward intended outcomes, and avoid the mundane as it has the habit of feeding apathy, or worse, discontent.
EDIT 5 - “Hope” will have its place, but it is too nebulous here. “Hope” is fleeting. “Ambition” is driving–a challenge to a person’s will and ego. The word alone makes them consider their efforts and end games compared to others. It creates a sense of pride and competition–no one wants to be left behind because they lack ambition.
EDIT 6 - “Conditions on Earth and Mars” can be viewed as shifting blame to the reader. In the grand scheme the conditions are the fault of everyone but let’s avoid phrasing that puts colonists on the defensive, no matter how unintentional. There will be enough emotions around this undertaking. It is our job as Public Relations liaisons to manage and guide our charges toward positive thought and action. “Conditions” is a word typically used in conjunction with problems (weather conditions, medical conditions, terms and conditions–all troubles inflicted upon a person with little recourse but wishing you could have avoided them), which can make the audience feel as though they are fleeing a situation or avoiding responsibility. Not an outlook we want to seed, ever and more so at this early stage.
“Challenges and opportunities,” on the other hand, empowers one to step up in the face of obstacles while offering the promise of new, forward-facing outcomes. People, especially pioneers, embrace challenge. People, especially optimists and futurists, embrace opportunity. We are providing both.
EDIT 7 - From management: “Paragraph 2, Line 3. Mention only Earth. We want to remind people–the colonists and any public eyes who may find this messaging–that our true home is Earth, not Mars. This is both a point of pride and a point of contention some in MilComm want to test. Tensions on Mars in the lead-up to the Marathon’s completion and launch are beyond acceptable rates. MilComm wants to find points of ‘gentle’ nudging to see if the scales can be tipped and pressure can be increased if/when local trouble decides to escalate.”
I’ve included the note as provided, with no further comment.
EDIT 8 - Let’s start to introduce some of the more flavorful wording here. Don’t over do it, but here is where we should consider pushing our phrasing to have a bit more flow/poetry/color. Again, careful with how far we push it, but let’s start to play with emotions like hope, wonder, dreams, etc. Not too overtly, just enough. I suggest reviewing draft files for Strauss’s portion of the launch day ceremony. It’s still in the works, but the man and his team know human nature and how to deliver a message. Avoid 1:1s, but similarities at the right cadence will have value.
EDIT 9 - Excellent update here overall, but let’s up the scale to stick the landing of the dreams, flame and ambition you set forth. There are many shores across Tau Ceti and while our target is Tau Ceti IV the image we want to paint is of an entire solar system we plan to conquer. While none of our initial colonists will ever see worlds beyond TCIV, their ancestors will.
EDIT 10 - Jump back to clear, hard fact here. “Confidence” and “pride” are suggested in the scale of this Project and its goals–both stated and implied. Doesn’t need to be cold. Instill “confidence” without including the word.
EDIT 11 - Of course, “artificial intelligence” remains the popular nomenclature for our support intelligences, but I feel this term is heading toward obsolescence and it is in our best interest to use language that suggests service over the baggage of the common usage. SciComm may not approve–they love their toys, so make the change for now and we can revert if needed.
EDIT 12 - Expanded beyond “community.” A community is your neighborhood. Project: Marathon is claiming a new planet. Maybe something simple that expands community to society.
EDIT 13 - “Sustainability” was used in previous paragraph. Suggest: “adaptability.”
EDIT 14 - Cut.
EDIT 15 - Yes, technically it is a ship, but more so it is a place–a moon and their home for ~300 years. Soften a bit.
EDIT 16 - Replace sign-off with first sentence of final line. Remove period from line so the sentence becomes a sign-off.
— everything above is 1:1 source · from terminal · karnemir ↗