Board Meeting Recording
ANALYZING…
FILE TYPE: Illegal Recording
PERIOD: Pre-Expedition
SPEAKERS: NuCaloric Lawyer [ID: HBER], NuCaloric Manager [ID: KHOS], NuCaloric Marketer [ID: SLYR]
TOPIC: Nutritional Label Compliance
SUMMARY: A surreptitiously recorded conversation prior to the public release of NuCaloric 187, the Drinkable Cheeseburger. Metadata has been deliberately scrambled to conceal the identity of the individual wearing the recording device.
===================================================================
[static]
[HBER]: No, you can’t market Number 187 as a “cheeseburger” without ingredient disclaimers. At the very least, you need to specify “no dairy or animal-derived proteins.”
KHOS: Ugh, I thought we were past this. Any consumer could infer that we—
[HBER]: Post-famine labeling laws are crystal clear on this point.
KHOS: Who is going to ask us for protein sources, huh? The holdout dinosaurs still clinging to “natural whole foods”?
[SLYR]: And here comes the soap box.
KHOS: Anything that doesn’t come from a lab is a useless vestigial luxury. What do they want us to do? Trace synth-meat provenance back to the original farm animal? Ridiculous.
[HBER]: You’re making a bigger deal out of this than I am.
[SLYR]: Well, any disclaimer is going to compete against brand visuals on the packaging. So it is a big deal.
KHOS: We’ve weathered regulatory slaps on the wrist before. It’s fine.
[HBER]: Not if we attract trouble before the UESC joint venture. Do I have to remind you what’s at stake? Work with me. This time, we do it by the book.
[beeps]
[SLYR]: How about… boilerplate 50 for small consumer goods? Short and sweet. “NuCaloric number 187 does not contain dairy, gluten, or animal products. Shelf-stability guaranteed for 50 years.”
KHOS: Oh, working a consumer feature in there. Clever.
[HBER]: Good enough.
[SLYR]: Which brings us to slogan curation. Disclaimers have a minimum font size, so this slogan has to stick.
[audible groans]
[SLYR]: “No Cow Necessary.”
[HBER]: Already did something like that.
[SLYR]: “Delicious at Any Temperature.”
[SLYR]: “Drinkable, Shareable, Shelf-Stable!”
[HBER]: I’ll get started on the consult. Thanks, everyone.
[shuffles, door closes]
===================================================================
TYPE: TEXT [X]; AUDIO [X]
— everything above is 1:1 source · from collectibles · karnemir ↗